SHOPPING AT DESTINY’S MALL: ANNE ATULAEGWU

ANNE ATULAEGWU : SHOPPING AT DESTINY’S MALL: I wasn’t so familiar with the terrain when my bus arrived. I had thought that the land would look exactly as I saw it on picture. ...

TIME FOR CHANGE

Hey ladies, we pray for ‪#‎CHANGE‬ this friday at 9pm on Tamar's Pouch Its time for the next level by favour!!! save the date. Spread the word. XOXO

PROTHESIS- An Exposition on your destiny!!: ANNE ATULAEGWU

ANNE ATULAEGWU : PROTHESIS- An Exposition on your destiny!!: Have you ever desired a life in which you were truly relevant and celebrated? The dream in your heart deserves expression and you des...

HEALING FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE- RREHS 105

Verbal abuse is still abuse. It's abuse in the form of words. Don't assume that a few hurtful words won't cost them their life. Words hurt. Anonymous

An abuse is the physical, psychological or sexual maltreatment of a person or animal. It may be emotional, financial or physical.  Let’s take a look at emotional abuse.

You might have been in a relationship where the man seemed all loving at first. You gave your heart and were true to your commitment with him. You check on him seven times in a day to ensure he has been having a good time and had nothing to bother about. ‘Why shouldn’t I do this?’  You may wonder. After all he calls every thirty minutes to check on you. Even though it had been three weeks since he  did; you find yourself giving so  much emotional energy into the relationship and hoping he would soon recover from his ‘don’t- call- malaria’. After three weeks he returns your call explaining his having a terrible time at work or school and that he loves you and can’t live without you. He explains how he is going to make it up to you the moment all the problems in his life evaporate. He encourages you to hang on in there while he sees a couple of women behind you.

Then one day you call and a newly appointed female assistant picks up the phone on his behalf and talks to you like your name wasn’t even stored on the contact list. You wait a few moments to call back. He wouldn’t pick up. Only for you to get a ‘please call me’ request in two weeks time.

Of course, he must have had an accident that ruined his memory that’s why he forgot to call and so you  play the role of the caring nurse committed to knowing how your emotionally unavailable ‘baby’ have been. He tells you best frog and toad story ever written. He accuses you of not been there for him. He calls you names. He states how much of a distraction you are to his goals. You apologise for not been a good girlfriend and work so hard to prove how much you have been there for him. This man seems to have a huge log of wood preventing him from noticing how much you have been given into the relationship.

One week after you called he sends a text message declaring how cold and insensitive you have been. He demands a break up. You call, you cry, you beg, you do all in power to make him feel better. Your plea falls on deaf ears.

Three months later, you are yet to recover from all you’ve been through. Then one day he shows up in front of your house or hostel with a few cheap gifts begging for reconciliation. He kneels before you, crying like one who had lost his mom. He appeals to your motherly instinct, recounting how useless his life had been these past months without you.

How good it must feel to be wanted by someone who once said you weren’t good enough for his future. You accept him and in a month’s time he is acting weird again. On and on the dramagoes until one day you awake to a confused, low-self esteemed you. Sorry girl friend, you have been emotionally abused!

Emotional abuse is based on power and control. According to Laura, the actions below indicate emotional abuse.

REJECTION- refusing to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings.

DEGRADING- insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing; behaviour which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid.

TERRORIZING- inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; coercing by intimidation; placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples: forcing a child to watch violent acts toward other family members or pets; threatening to leave, physically hurt or kill a person, pets or people she / he cares about; threatening to destroy a person's possessions; threatening to have a person deported or put in an institution; stalking.

ISOLATING - physical confinement; restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within a person's own environment. Example preventing a partner from having friends or hanging out with them.

CORRUPTING/EXPLOITING- socializing a person into accepting ideas or behaviour which opposes legal standards; using a person for advantage or profit; training a child to serve the interests of the abuser and not of the child.

DENYING EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS- failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; ignoring a person's mental health needs.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE        

Emotional abuse is often not easily detected.

The following signs may assist in detecting emotional abuse.

Depression, withdrawal, low self-esteem, anxiety, fearfulness, failure to thrive in infancy, aggression, emotional instability, sleep disturbances, physical complaints with no medical basis, inappropriate behaviour for age or development, overly passive/compliant, suicide attempts or discussion, extreme dependence, underachievement, inability to trust, stealing, feelings of shame and guilt, frequent crying, self blame, delay or refusal of medical treatment, discomfort or nervousness around caregiver or relative, substance abuse, avoidance of eye contact.

 DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Recognize the treatment for what it is

Most victims of emotional abuse make excuses for the abuser. They make themselves believe the abuser didn’t mean to do it. They believe it’s their fault. If only I can be as perfect as he wants; we would have a great relationship. You must recognize name calling, ridiculing and constant put down for what it is. It’s an emotional abuse.

Express your feelings

Don’t sit in silence and pretend like you have learnt to live with it. You must let the abuser know that his or her dominant behaviour is affecting you deep down within. Speak to the abuser like you would a friend. Gently but firmly make him or her see how badly you are affected.

If the abuser doesn’t change, you can!

Tell the abuser that name calling and those humiliating treatments are no longer accepted in the relationship.  Let them know if they are not willing to change their attitude towards you, you would rather give them some space until respect and honour is restored in the relationship.

Seek professional help

Change is usually a difficult thing. Most abusers have either been victims of abuse or have personality disorders. It’s advisable to seek professional help about the situation and with the person if he or she is a partner.

Don’t keep the abuse a secret

I am not advising that you tell the whole world but I strongly suggest that you keep a family member or friend in the loop. Why die in silence?

Understand that change takes time

Abusers majorly have their acts as a second nature. So if you are willing to stay in there after you have spoken with your partner and sought external help; be prepared for a slow change.

Don’t ever harm yourself

If you are in an abusive relationship, don’t ever entertain the thought of harming yourself nor committing suicide. It’s not your fault that the abuser has a personality disorder. Remember that you deserve to be happy.

 Culled from the book, TAMAR by Anne Atulaegwu ©2014

NEW BEGINNING-RREHS 104

                                         
The hardest thing to accept, is the end of something that was once truly special.
I remember years ago, when I had to end a relationship with someone whom I had deeply grown fond of through my teen years.
It was so painful.In fact,we both tried to get back and make it work but the external pressures against the relationship won't let it be.
After that experience, I realized that the end of something special can be the beginning of something priceless. This is because I allowed God lead me into his plan for me and soon, I  and my fiance' would be saying those vows to each other, before God.
You would soon testify too!

What closure is bringing you that much pain? I know that Stanley was the best. You think, no one can love you as Edward. Yes, you might even think that you are horrible and no one can accommodate your excesses  like Uche did.

Listen girl, a relationship ends when it is time for a new level.

You might be saying, "Anne, it was my fault. It shouldn't have ended."  Well, I know that feeling but I also need you to know that  "the end of a road is the beginning of another." Most times, the new road is more promising, better and blessed-FULL than the old.

Stop crying, clean your tears.
The death of that relationship is an opportunity for you to go to God like I did and get HIS blueprint for your life.

Dispatch your pity party.
Embrace your present status- Single
Chase after God and let Him birth your next level in the amber of his love.

 WORD FOCUS

•  For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
• Then one of the elders said to me, "Do not weep! See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed. He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals." Revelation 5:5
• For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

ASSIGNMENT

• Spend more time with God in the place of worship and word study and let Him love you into a new beginning.

ANNE'S ADVICE

• Never accept that the end of a relationship is the end of your life. Your best is yet to COME! seek Jesus

Committed to your wholeness

Anne Atulaegwu
Founder/consultant/counselor

pray with us on Tamar's pouch. Join here

REDEFINING PERSPECTIVES-RREHS 103

 
                        

Our Human soul is familiar with the feelings of Joy, peace, sadness, loneliness and a whole gamut of emotion.

These feelings are usually inspired by an occurrence or experience. Happy feelings  come when something good happens to us and feelings of sadness comes when the dreaded happens.
 
Life is full of ups and downs they say; but I believe that it is our responsibility to decide what exactly an up or a down is.

I have been through really heart crushing moments. I know what it is to have an emotional break down. However, i have learnt to redefine my perspective of an experience.

When we examine an object through a sun-shade, we get a different perspective from when we view that same object using a magnifying lens.

Coloured shades would definitely add some colour to the world when we look at the world through it.  The colour effect  does  not automatically erase the realities in the world but it does help our mind by providing an influx of beauty and creativity, which in turn provides the energy  and wellness we need to respond effectively to our environment.

How are you viewing that experience? I know you feel hurt and perhaps abandoned; but the reality of life is in your perspective.
If you think that the arrow is pointing towards you, then you would be encouraged to stand in the face of this trying moment.
If you think that it is pointing against you, then you would feel depressed and cast down.

I encourage you to see that experience through God's eyes. God sees it as another tool by which He would increase your worth.

The purpose in every pain can be identified when we redefine our perspectives and align them with God's word.

I am looking at you and that experience through God's colourful eyes and i can see that YOUR LATTER IS GREATER THAN YOUR PAST.


WORD FOCUS

• Do not  let your heart be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. John 14: 1
• I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18
• May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy spirit . Romans 15:13

ASSIGNMENT

• Bring that experience before God in prayer and ask him to enable your eyes to see through HIS perspective

 ANNE'S ADVICE : Rather than dwell on the negative "what ifs", focus on "God is"!

Committed to your wholeness

Anne Atulaegwu
Founder/consultant/counselor

DEALING WITH THE GREEN BILE-RREHS 102

         
Some time ago, I was numerating on some of my seeming losses.

I was just lost in my world, counting on all the "God-said" in my life. From scriptures, people, personal relationship with Christ and all the reliable ways he speaks to us. I could clearly see that God had done a lot than I thought. He had kept his word and I was a little too busy to notice. #imSorryJesus.

In between all of this, I began to see into my heart. I noticed that I was still having some resentment for someone who had terribly ruined my emotion in the past.

I mean, how come after a really long time I still feel this terrible towards em?

(Hey babes don’t get all sanctified and holy on me now; I might be a pastor but I’m still a girl too. So, heaven’s yea, Anne goes through stuffs too).LOL.

Yea, so I still speak with this person and I confess I already forgiven. But sometimes, those humiliating scenes of their wickedness just pops in your head in the middle of a good day; and bang! I see me resenting them.

Is this familiar??

Resentment is one green bile that stuffs itself deep down in our emotions as women. We love with our ALL and so it’s quite difficult to not resent after an unforeseen betrayal.

Resentment according to my mobile phone's dictionary is a feeling of anger or displeasure stemming from belief that one has been wronged by others or betrayed. It can also be called indignation.

One of those moments when I was having a depressing dance with Resentment? The Lord spoke JOB 5 to my heart. I grabbed my KeyWord study bible and it read in NIV VERSION , VS 2: Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Immediately, I saw how much of a FOOL I was by allowing resentment towards my betrayer visit my heart!

And I prayed, LORD, I REPENT FROM RESENTMENT TOWARDS (insert name). Deliver me from the folly of its hold in JESUS NAME.

Then I heard the LORD SAY, Anne, I know what they did to you; but you have got to stop thinking about what they did and start thinking about what I will do for you.

I’m saying those same words to you, my girlfriends. DONT LET THEIR UNFAIR TREATMENT RENT SPACE IN YOUR MEDULA FOR FREE! Rather, LET HOPE IN GOD'S WORD TAKE OVER YOUR BRAIN.

Just before you go, did you see the second green bile- ENVY?

Okay, I’m not guilty of this cos envy is resentful desire of something possessed by another or others. God forbid my soul to hate others for their blessings when I know I’m going to have mine too.

Just in case you catch yourself being envious of your girlfriend's spouse, baby, car, clothes or whatever; just remember what JOB 5:2 says, "Envy slays the simple". It means envy KILLS.

When the bible says one is simple, it means you are way too foolish. It means you got no wisdom even at its cheapest measure. And you know the simple walks to destruction.

Envy can destroy you. USE GOD'S WORD, GENUINE LOVE AND HUMILITY TO KILL IT OFF.

Envy often comes when we feel others got what we deserve. Who are we to judge? How do we know that they didn’t deserve it? If God chose to bless them, He will choose to bless you too!

#LETGO!

I PRAY FREEDOM FOR YOU IN JESUS NAME. The God who has comforted me will comfort you too. Receive grace to break free of resentment and envy in JESUS NAME, AMEN

WORD FOCUS

•  Mathew 6:14-15:For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
• Ephesians 4:31-32:Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

ASSIGNMENT

• Write out the name of the person/persons who you have a challenge forgiving. Now say that you forgive them in Jesus name. Do this for 21 days consecutively and see the grace of God empower you to forgive.

ANNE'S ADVICE: Forgiveness doesn't often start with a feeling but a decision; soon the feeling would follow. when you forgive others, you set yourself free from the weight of their wrong. Decide to walk in forgiveness today.
 

 committed to your wholeness

Anne Atulaegwu

founder/consultant/counselor