HEALING FROM EMOTIONAL ABUSE- RREHS 105

Verbal abuse is still abuse. It's abuse in the form of words. Don't assume that a few hurtful words won't cost them their life. Words hurt. Anonymous

An abuse is the physical, psychological or sexual maltreatment of a person or animal. It may be emotional, financial or physical.  Let’s take a look at emotional abuse.

You might have been in a relationship where the man seemed all loving at first. You gave your heart and were true to your commitment with him. You check on him seven times in a day to ensure he has been having a good time and had nothing to bother about. ‘Why shouldn’t I do this?’  You may wonder. After all he calls every thirty minutes to check on you. Even though it had been three weeks since he  did; you find yourself giving so  much emotional energy into the relationship and hoping he would soon recover from his ‘don’t- call- malaria’. After three weeks he returns your call explaining his having a terrible time at work or school and that he loves you and can’t live without you. He explains how he is going to make it up to you the moment all the problems in his life evaporate. He encourages you to hang on in there while he sees a couple of women behind you.

Then one day you call and a newly appointed female assistant picks up the phone on his behalf and talks to you like your name wasn’t even stored on the contact list. You wait a few moments to call back. He wouldn’t pick up. Only for you to get a ‘please call me’ request in two weeks time.

Of course, he must have had an accident that ruined his memory that’s why he forgot to call and so you  play the role of the caring nurse committed to knowing how your emotionally unavailable ‘baby’ have been. He tells you best frog and toad story ever written. He accuses you of not been there for him. He calls you names. He states how much of a distraction you are to his goals. You apologise for not been a good girlfriend and work so hard to prove how much you have been there for him. This man seems to have a huge log of wood preventing him from noticing how much you have been given into the relationship.

One week after you called he sends a text message declaring how cold and insensitive you have been. He demands a break up. You call, you cry, you beg, you do all in power to make him feel better. Your plea falls on deaf ears.

Three months later, you are yet to recover from all you’ve been through. Then one day he shows up in front of your house or hostel with a few cheap gifts begging for reconciliation. He kneels before you, crying like one who had lost his mom. He appeals to your motherly instinct, recounting how useless his life had been these past months without you.

How good it must feel to be wanted by someone who once said you weren’t good enough for his future. You accept him and in a month’s time he is acting weird again. On and on the dramagoes until one day you awake to a confused, low-self esteemed you. Sorry girl friend, you have been emotionally abused!

Emotional abuse is based on power and control. According to Laura, the actions below indicate emotional abuse.

REJECTION- refusing to acknowledge a person's presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings.

DEGRADING- insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing; behaviour which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid.

TERRORIZING- inducing terror or extreme fear in a person; coercing by intimidation; placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment. Examples: forcing a child to watch violent acts toward other family members or pets; threatening to leave, physically hurt or kill a person, pets or people she / he cares about; threatening to destroy a person's possessions; threatening to have a person deported or put in an institution; stalking.

ISOLATING - physical confinement; restricting normal contact with others; limiting freedom within a person's own environment. Example preventing a partner from having friends or hanging out with them.

CORRUPTING/EXPLOITING- socializing a person into accepting ideas or behaviour which opposes legal standards; using a person for advantage or profit; training a child to serve the interests of the abuser and not of the child.

DENYING EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS- failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; ignoring a person's mental health needs.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE        

Emotional abuse is often not easily detected.

The following signs may assist in detecting emotional abuse.

Depression, withdrawal, low self-esteem, anxiety, fearfulness, failure to thrive in infancy, aggression, emotional instability, sleep disturbances, physical complaints with no medical basis, inappropriate behaviour for age or development, overly passive/compliant, suicide attempts or discussion, extreme dependence, underachievement, inability to trust, stealing, feelings of shame and guilt, frequent crying, self blame, delay or refusal of medical treatment, discomfort or nervousness around caregiver or relative, substance abuse, avoidance of eye contact.

 DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Recognize the treatment for what it is

Most victims of emotional abuse make excuses for the abuser. They make themselves believe the abuser didn’t mean to do it. They believe it’s their fault. If only I can be as perfect as he wants; we would have a great relationship. You must recognize name calling, ridiculing and constant put down for what it is. It’s an emotional abuse.

Express your feelings

Don’t sit in silence and pretend like you have learnt to live with it. You must let the abuser know that his or her dominant behaviour is affecting you deep down within. Speak to the abuser like you would a friend. Gently but firmly make him or her see how badly you are affected.

If the abuser doesn’t change, you can!

Tell the abuser that name calling and those humiliating treatments are no longer accepted in the relationship.  Let them know if they are not willing to change their attitude towards you, you would rather give them some space until respect and honour is restored in the relationship.

Seek professional help

Change is usually a difficult thing. Most abusers have either been victims of abuse or have personality disorders. It’s advisable to seek professional help about the situation and with the person if he or she is a partner.

Don’t keep the abuse a secret

I am not advising that you tell the whole world but I strongly suggest that you keep a family member or friend in the loop. Why die in silence?

Understand that change takes time

Abusers majorly have their acts as a second nature. So if you are willing to stay in there after you have spoken with your partner and sought external help; be prepared for a slow change.

Don’t ever harm yourself

If you are in an abusive relationship, don’t ever entertain the thought of harming yourself nor committing suicide. It’s not your fault that the abuser has a personality disorder. Remember that you deserve to be happy.

 Culled from the book, TAMAR by Anne Atulaegwu ©2014